Dirty Dealers Page 15

  “You cannot be detected or we’ll lose everything.”

  “I won’t.”

  The king nods. “Do what you have to do.”

  Leaving

  Kass

  Hiraeth: Longing for home.

  Occitan is a beautiful place. I love the proximity of the beach. The royal life is elegant and luxurious, and I have everything I could ever want. Ava is charming, and we’re becoming friends, which is strange but nice. She’s warm and funny and unexpectedly edgy…

  And I want to go home.

  I’m one step up from being a prisoner in this plush holding cell. I go from day to day walking along the beach, talking to Ava, waiting… always waiting for the men to say they’ve found Blix and tell me my fate.

  They watch me, and I know most of them don’t trust me. Ava has decided to forgive me based on her past indiscretions. I’m not in chains, so the king must agree with her. Logan is never far away, but despite what he says, he holds himself apart. No one else is allowed or wants to get close.

  I think about Cameron. I think about rebuilding my life. In the time I’ve spent here, I’ve thought about what I could do to make amends and how I might find a job that would make me useful. I worked as a waitress before things went bad, and I do speak several languages. I’ve lived in America. Perhaps I could get a job as a translator. Or maybe I could teach blind children. I could embrace my life as it is now without having to worry my weakness will be exploited. I have dreams… I know I can be something better, something good.

  The only thing that makes me hesitate is the thing that will break my heart. If I leave Occitan, I’ll say goodbye to Logan. It paralyzes me. It holds me in this fancy prison, and freezes my insides when I try to go. Even with this distance between us, being here and knowing he’s close gives me strength. It gives me hope for a life where I’m not only good, I’m happy. Is it to much to wish for?

  He held me last time so close in his arms. He wanted me to talk, but I couldn’t find the words. He said I was his, and it was a little piece of heaven. If I go… the next time I reach for him, I’ll find nothing. Can I face that? Alone in the dark?

  Sitting on this patio chair, my mind drifts to my tiny apartment. I wouldn’t be entirely alone. I’d have my brother. Cameron and I have texted a few times. His security detail is apparently keeping him safe. He’s well and even seeing someone.

  Luc and Henri must have noticed I’m gone, and while Luc might not care, I’m sure Henri misses his daily pets and treats from whatever store I’ve visited that day. I do have a small world outside this place. I have to be strong enough to return to it and start over.

  “Here you are!” Ava cuts through my melancholy reflection. She dashes out onto the patio and grabs my arm, pulling me to my feet. “Come meet my sister!”

  My heart stops. “She’s here?”

  “She’s on Skype.”

  Digging in my feet, I pull my arm out of her grip. “No… I can’t, Ava.”

  “What?” She catches my wrist again. “You’ll love her. You’re so much alike!”

  I pull back again. “Blix kidnapped her and hurt her. I worked for him. She’s not going to want to see me. Or if she does…” She’ll hate me.

  We stand for a moment facing each other. I hear the change in her breathing. “You’re wrong,” she says, touching my hand. “Forgiveness is a gift. The bigger the gift, the more you’re willing to share it.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  “It means you’ve both made mistakes, but they’re in the past.”

  I’m tired and sad, and I don’t feel like arguing. I only shake my head. My past is too close to the present.

  She takes my arm again. “At least come and see my baby niece. She’s adorable.”

  Reluctantly, I follow her into the house. “You forget I can’t see,” I grumble.

  We cross the large living area to the smaller office in the back corner. I’ve clicked my way around this place enough to have a good feel for the layout, and while I might classify the office as “smaller,” it’s much larger than my tiny apartment.

  We’re about to enter when a male voice intercepts us. “Excuse me, your highness.”

  “What is it, Freddie?” Ava tries to keep going, but he stops her.

  “The king asked for you.”

  “Oh…” She lets out a sigh and touches my hand. “Would you tell Zee I’ll be right back?”

  “Of course.”

  The two leave me alone, and I hear the happy echoes of voices inside. I start to enter until Logan’s voice stops me. Why is he here?

  “She’s grown,” he says, an undeniable warmth in his tone.

  “She misses you.” The female voice on the computer is equally warm. It sparks an uncomfortable, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. “She says Ga. You know what that means?” Her voice goes to a breathy sing-song. “You’re looking for Logan, aren’t you?”

  “Your majesty—” he begins, but she interrupts him.

  “Just because you’re in Monagasco, nothing has changed.”

  My throat tightens at that. What does she mean, nothing has changed?

  “It’s true.” He sounds… guilty? I don’t understand.

  “Then no more of this ma’am and your majesty business. It’s Zee and Logan. Yes?”

  A brief pause, before he answers, and I hear him smile. “Always.”

  The tiny voice squeals. “See? She misses you!” Zelda says, and he laughs.

  “I think she does.”

  “Please come and visit us soon.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.” Logan’s voice is loving and warm. It reminds me of how he sounded those few heavenly days I was in his arms… before I hurt him. Before I lost him.

  I have to get out of here.

  “I’m back!” Ava calls, passing me at the door and quickly running toward the voices.

  The sisters squeal and laugh and make all sorts of baby noises. Ava’s niece responds with cute little coos and attempts at saying words.

  I’m standing in the doorway dying inside. A knot is in my throat and it twists into a ball of sadness and loss in my stomach.

  I can’t take anymore. Ava is wrong. They’re all wrong. Logan is clearly in love with this woman and her baby, and I’m only a cheap substitute. I’m a damaged version of the clever, smart survivor they all love and miss. I’m the rotten apple, and I’ve got to go before I ruin everything.

  Unshed tears sting in my eyes as I flee. Using my hands and my memory, I navigate my way through the living room, headed to the kitchen and the small bedroom where I spent my first night here. All the clothes and sweaters I’ve worn over the last several days were borrowed. I’ll have to wear this outfit home, but I can return it once I have my own things.

  “You’re here!” Nesbit startles me when I enter the kitchen. “I believe the king wanted to see you. Stay here while I fetch him.”

  I freeze in place, nerves tingling. I can’t imagine why Rowan would want to see me. I don’t have permission to leave. Perhaps he’ll say I have to stay. Then my prisoner status will be confirmed. “Of course.”

  She leaves the room, and I wait wondering, listening to the noise of an oven fan, a pot boiling on the stove. The kitchen smells like tea and nutmeg. She’s baking some kind of spiced bread, possibly pumpkin.

  Voices appear in the passage, and I spin toward them. “Ah, Cassandra.” It’s a voice I’ve only heard one other time.

  “Grand duke,” I say, stepping back to curtsey.

  “Yes, we can dispense with the formalities. The king can’t make it right away, but you remember Freddie?”

  “Miss Kroft,” Logan’s friend is beside Reggie. He was with Logan the night they found me.

  “Did I do something wrong?” I can only see their shapes, looming over me in the hazy kitchen.

  “No,” Reggie says. He pauses as if choosing his words, “We don’t’ want to alarm you, but it seems you might have been exposed to a peculiar strain o
f virus while you were in Miami. The news has been filled with precautions about it, and considering your close proximity to the queen—”

  “A virus?” Of all the things these men could have said, that was not what I expected.

  “It’s a nasty thing. Attacking babies,” Reggie continues. “However, we’ve been able to get our hands on the vaccine for it. Would you mind if Freddie here gives you a quick inoculation? It should only take a second, and you’ll be all set.”

  My head is spinning. I want to leave, and he’s talking about me being sick? Babies? “Is Ava pregnant?” I can’t help frowning.

  “Not that I’m aware, but all women of childbearing age…” Reggie is holding my arm. “It will protect you as well.”

  “I’m not planning to get pregnant,” I say, my lapse in birth control drifting through my mind. It’s followed closely by the only person I ever want touching me that way… and the painful idea I’ve lost him forever. If I even had him at all.

  “You can never be too careful.” Reggie grasps my upper arm.

  Instinctively, I try to pull away from him. “Will it hurt?”

  “It shouldn’t,” Freddie says, touching my shoulder. The grand duke releases my arm, and my anxiety eases. Freddie is somehow gentler. “It needs to go in your hip.”

  “I’ll stay out here,” Reggie says.

  I don’t like this. I feel like I’m being ambushed, but I don’t know how to escape it. I don’t want to make Ava sick. “We can go in my room.”

  Freddie follows me inside, and I stop in front of the narrow cot. I don’t know why the small space is comforting to me. Perhaps with the world so large and virtually unknowable, having a tiny area where everything is familiar gives me peace.

  “Feel this,” Freddie says, taking my hand. He places my fingers on a cool, metal gunlike device. “It will be quick and hopefully painless. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I appreciate his kindness, and I unfasten the button of my jeans, sliding the side down a bit.

  The cold metal presses against my skin, and my insides squeeze. My heart beats a little faster and I hold my breath. No matter how brave I am, nothing is worse than the half-second before a shot.

  A flush of air and a pinch at my side. “Ow!” I cry out of surprise… or habit.

  Freddie’s dark head pops into my peripheral vision. “Did that hurt?” He’s scrutinizing my expression.

  I give him an embarrassed smile. “Not really. I’m sorry.”

  “Good.” He leans down and seems to be examining the site. “I can’t see a thing,” he says as if to himself. He takes a moment and I’m pretty sure he’s doing something with his phone. “Yes…” he mutters.

  “So, no Band-Aid, no sucker?” My voice is a little more sarcastic than I intend. All of this has me feeling like a lab rat, and I’m still miserable about Logan.

  He only laughs. “Sorry. Fresh out.”

  My pants are fastened, and I straighten my shirt when hear him start for the door. I make a quick decision to stop him.

  “Freddie?” He pauses, and I can tell he’s facing me. “Can I ask you… Am I allowed to leave?”

  He’s quiet several seconds, and I hold my breath. I’m Blix’s accomplice. They’re not going to let that go. Bracing myself, I’m ready for him to laugh in my face. Instead, his voice is thoughtful.

  “What are you planning to do?”

  “I’d like to return to my apartment. Can I do that?”

  I don’t hear any noise of texting or gesturing to unseen company lurking around my door. Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, being blind does limit me in certain ways. It forces me to trust people I barely know.

  “It might be dangerous,” he says.

  “I know. Still… I have to take that chance. I can’t stay here. I have to try and start a new life.”

  He takes a few steps to the side as if he’s thinking, considering my statement. “Aren’t you afraid?”

  “Yes.” My voice doesn’t waver. “But I don’t belong here. I miss my family.”

  He releases a sigh and crosses to where I’m standing. “You’re not a prisoner. If you want to leave, no one will stop you.”

  “Really?” Can it be that easy?

  “The queen regent vouched for you. She won’t allow any criminal charges to be brought against you.” His tone is academic, as if he’s sorting out a problem, and I try to understand this gift. I think about what Ava said earlier about forgiveness. “Are you planning to betray her trust?”

  His question brings me up short. “Of course not! I would never do that.” He has no idea how much I mean those words. “I hope I never see… or encounter Blix again.”

  “Here.” Freddie catches my wrist and places something on my palm. My fingers close over it, and I recognize the item at once. It’s my old holster. Only, it’s no longer empty.

  “A dagger?”

  “I don’t like giving you a weapon,” he says. “I’m afraid it will be taken and used against you. Still, you had this when we found you. I assume it means you know how to use it.”

  My fingers move to the top, and I feel the hard metal of the handle. “Thank you,” I say softly.

  “Good luck, Kass.” He leaves without another word, and I wait, allowing the sensation of freedom to wrap around my shoulders.

  I slip the tiny weapon into the waistband of my jeans.

  It’s time to move.

  Holding my oversized phone a millimeter from my face, I locate the symbol for my Uber app and select my old address.

  * * *

  Stepping out of the car on the narrow street, I feel like a lifetime has passed since I’ve been here. It’s all so familiar, but I’ve changed. I’m out in the open, honest and free—for whatever that’s worth. I’m terrified, but I have to take this step.

  I walk to the door of my apartment and locate the buzzer. It’s not too late to let Luc know I’m back, and I buzz the familiar rhythm we’ve worked out to let each other know it’s us. The code was actually Luc’s idea. He’d forgotten his key once, and I’d buzzed him in without even thinking. It was my first day here, when I was still working with Blix, and I knew my boss was the worst thing I had to fear.

  Luc had yelled at me. He’d stated the obvious—I’m blind—and went on to lecture me in French about rapists and thieves and gypsies. He’d emphasized it was more his safety he was worried about than mine, then he dragged me downstairs and we agreed on a special “top secret” sequence of buzzes that only he and I would use. Once I’d done it correctly and agreed not to open the door for strangers ever again, he stomped up the narrow staircase and returned to his apartment, slamming the door.

  It was the longest conversation we’d ever shared.

  Nothing has changed tonight. The door releases as soon as I’ve finished with our secret code. I step inside the dim entrance and squint into the hazy fog out of habit. I can’t see anything in this amount of light.

  Still… I’m waiting, hoping…

  Another second passes…

  Click click click, the sound of nails on hardwoods sketches up above. Tears sting my eyes.

  “Henri?” I call, and I’m rewarded with a happy staccato of short barks. “Henri!”

  I grasp the rail and jog up the stairs. When I get to the top, I slide into sitting, and the husky little terrier is on my lap.

  Immediately, he sticks his tongue in my mouth, and I laugh. “So French!”

  I catch his muzzle and move it away. He proceeds to lick the salty tears from my cheeks. I get a warm swipe of dog-tongue in the eye, and I squeal. In his happiness, he’s moving too fast for me to catch him. The result is I’m covered in Henri slobber.

  Leaning down, I hug his wagging body. “Je vous ai manqué,” I say. I’ve missed you.

  Our reunion is cut short by the noise of Luc’s door opening. He calls his pet home, and at once the little dog pulls away, headed back to his master. I sit listening to him click across the hardwoods until the wooden door closes.

&
nbsp; No word for me.

  No surprise.

  “Maybe I’ll get a dog,” I say, pushing off my knees and going to my door. I wonder what Henri would think of that.

  Reaching up, I slide my fingers along the doorframe until I find my spare key. My apartment is also the same as when I left it, and I try to remember that night. Logan had walked me to my door after blowing my mind in the alley. The memory makes my stomach hurt.

  He’d told me not to leave. He’d told me to be here in the morning. I left without even saying goodbye. Twice.

  Going to my dresser, I slide the top drawer open and feel around inside for my nightshirt. I lift the thin sweater I’m wearing over my head and fold it carefully. Ava said it’s white, and it’s so soft and delicate, I can only imagine it’s super expensive. Holding the furniture, I pull off the tall boots, and finally, I peel off the skinny jeans she gave me. I’m not sure if she wants them back, but I don’t want to keep anything without permission, not even boots.

  I reach around and unfasten my bra, deciding I’ll keep the underwear. I’m sure there would be no misunderstanding about that. Our entire building shares heat, so my room isn’t cold. I stand for a moment and slide my palms over my breasts. In the quiet, I remember Logan’s mouth against my skin, the scruff of his beard against my nipples. They harden, and I slide my thumbs over them. Heat floods my panties, and I lower my arms, wrapping them around my waist.

  “I did have you,” I whisper to the air. “For a little while you were mine again.” It was only a moment, but I believe it with all my heart.

  Going to the bed, I push through the cool sheets and curl into a ball. With my eyes closed, I can see his broad shoulders. My fingers tingle with the memory of his chest dusted with coarse, sparse hair. It’s painful and miserable, and I miss him so much.

  I can only blame myself. I could have trusted him that last night if I hadn’t been afraid. I wasn’t only afraid, though. I was ashamed, and I couldn’t share my guilt with him. I didn’t want him to see me for what I had become, and now his warmth is turned away from me. Now she has it.

  Pain like a knife pierces my stomach. I’ve only ever loved Logan Hunt. His dark hair and steel blue eyes, his cocky grin… that tall, lean physique that ran by me on the beach that day six years ago… he’s lived in my memory so long, and he’s only gotten better since we were apart. Now he’s broad shoulders and massive arms. He lifts me as if I’m a doll, and he’s so focused and commanding. The boy I fell in love with has turned into a man I can’t live without. I don’t know how I’ll ever let him go…